1. What is Soul Statements: A Love Coach’s Guide to Successful Communication about and why did you write it?
A Soul Statement is a present-time reminder of what is true & good & resourceful about yourself. It is an emotional postcard, saying, “You got this!” Instead of emotionally inhabiting a desired experience, a Soul Statement affirms what is already present in your depth. It’s a way to bring attention to your inner resources.
A Soul Statement induces optimism since it affirms and aligns you with what you value and your intrinsic value. Why not declare the truth of your being and align your outlook and actions from the deep part of you? Example: “My heart is a trusted guide” or “The contentment of the mountains lives in me” or “My body knows how to heal itself“.
The practice of reminding oneself of who you really are was so helpful with my coaching clients that it formed the basis of Soul Statements: A Love Coach’s Guide To Successful Communication. This book is a guide to accessing your innate wisdom and your core values with practical tools for inner alignment. It offers a path to personal empowerment by helping you turn the voice in your head into an ally.
Each chapter has a wealth of simple tools for upgrading communication, mindfulness and connection with life. The use of Soul Statements elevates how we talk to ourselves on the inside and the result is a re-calibration of surface thoughts with deeper knowing. This unlocks one’s personal power, joy and certainty. Soul Statement example: “My deep sureness is more powerful than my surface thoughts“.
2. What are some common issues or problems you see couples face in relationships and how do you help them move through them as a relationship coach?
Most couples who argue are each fighting for their own version of past events. A better way is to quietly self-soothe and hold a bit of tension to become curious about the other person’s experience. Remember that your partner volunteered for said position. They are not a draft pick to share your life. A better approach is to lead with feelings and needs (versus name-calling and making evaluations such as, “You are a dummy-dog because…” or some form of “You did this to me“.) Simply say “What you have to say is important and I feel anxious and contracted when you speak in this way. Would you speak more softly so I can hear you better?”)
Many couples are in an intimacy-drought. This is exacerbated by lack of touch. Many people avoid a simple squeeze on the neck or a caress as they don’t want to imply that they are up for more. I say that a better approach is to have an understanding that a physical act of appreciation is allowed to be a stand-alone event. These simple forms of touch will build good feeling and closeness. Each person should use words to let their beloved know when they are open to exploring more intimately.
I’m also a fan of just lying together and breathing with no compulsion to “take it to the next level”. This closeness builds attunement, resonance and safety. Sometimes the slower you go, the faster you’ll get there. Soul Statement example: “I am always lovable (even when I forget that this is true)”.
3. What advice would you have for someone who is questioning whether they should stay in a relationship or leave a relationship?
Answers are in your center. When you don’t know what to do – get as still as possible. Allow your soul messages to percolate up. Journal about what feeds your spirit. Realize that if you think the other person is the problem that you likely have a huge part in creating the problem. Do you practice Non-Violent Communication (NVC)? Do you take full responsibility for your words and deeds? Can you hear feedback about your impact on others with a measure of grace and compassion? Do you have a sacred contract to love and to loving?
Remember the Soul Statement, “What’s inside of me is greater than what is outside of me“. It is important to build a relationship with your own heart. Make a vow to no longer abandon your heart and your values. You could also do what I did and hire a love & relationship coach to help guide me through the rough patch and create something amazing going forward. Better communication is a learned skill. Soul Statement examples: “My self-care makes me more attractive“ or “I am enough in this moment“.
4. How do you find empathy, connection, and love for our partner when they seem disconnected from themselves and us or are constantly stressed out, irritable, or exhausted?
By remembering who you are, beneath circumstance or worry, you can speak from your value and your values. The Soul Statement, “As I my serenity increases, I can hold circumstance more lightly“ or “I’m a treasure” helps a person remain connected to their own center. Self-care is a key component in any relationship. The more you can keep your emotional gas tank topped off, the more you are able to be curious about the experience of the other person. Soul Statement example: “This emotional weather will pass“.
Acknowledging the other person’s experience goes a long way toward a civil and enlightening exchange. It is easier to offer acknowledgment to another after first offering it (silently) to your own wounded or contracted heart. Simply, thinking “ouch” or “this doesn’t feel good” or the Soul Statement “I have a strong and loving heart” will help create a bit of ease so that you can remain present to the conversation and be open to learning. Do you think that reminding yourself that “I’m held in God’s care” or “I’m a loved child of God” would make it easier to be open to holding space for criticism or complaint?
5. How can you reconcile your sexuality with spirituality?
The same Creator who made your mind, made your body (incl. the parts we don’t usually talk about). It is a beautiful thing to hold sexual union as a holy sacrament. I like to think of sex as standing for Sacred Energy eXchange. Saying the Soul Statement: “I have a beloved that dwells within“ helps align a person with their self-lovability and connect to what they wish to bring to a loving togetherness.
I also like the Soul Statement, “My center informs me as I love my partner“. Every woman is radiant when inhabiting her joy. Every man is compelling when in touch with his deep clarity.
6. Can you talk a little bit about your journey and how you used the AA book to let go of fear?
As an instructor in a wilderness-based program for adults in early recovery, I watched my students and fellow staff work their 12-Step program. I saw the massive benefit and thought about what may be controlling my life to some extent. I realized that I was heavily motivated by avoiding embarrassment. I tended to move away from things that challenged me to step up and be vulnerable. So, I made a decision to use the AA Big Book by substituting the word fear for the word alcohol. This was life-affirming and life-changing. I became more honest on the inside. I turned my life and my will over to a Higher Power. I was baptized into a new life outlook. With this process I had a support structure and a method to live a self-examined life and to be a more integrated and self-compassionate human being. Soul Statement example: “My amends are cleansing me spiritually“.
7. Anything else?
Today is the best day of my life. This is so because it is the day that I am living now. All previous days are memory and all future days are theoretical. Today is what we have. Don’t think that your problems are greater than anyone else’s. Remember that the hero and the coward initially feel the same thing. What makes the difference is what they choose to do next. With a Soul Statement, you can call up the best part of you in a moment. Soul Statement examples: “There is a place at my center where I can tune out everything that is not me“and “My hero is the person I’m becoming“.