Coaching chose me. Not because I am so smart but I still had to learn so much.
By Alex Verlek, Mastercoach, CPCC.
Author of ‘Q60: Coaching Mastery in Sixty Questions’ and ‘Golden Rules for Coaching’.
A common misconception about coaching is that the coach has all the answers. One of the most important lessons a coach must learn is to let go of that assumption themselves. Many of us come to this realization in our professional lives. However, when trying to adopt a coach-like mindset in our personal lives, things often become much more complex.
While preparing for my third book, Q60: Coaching Mastery in Sixty Questions, I received numerous questions from fellow coaches—exactly what I had hoped for. Turning 60, I wanted to give back rather than receive gifts. All the questions, in one way or another, were directly related to the profession I have practiced for nearly two decades.
But then came a question I never saw coming: What was the most beautiful day of your life?
This question moved me to tears and I immediately felt the answer. It’s not a secret but it is the most personal thing I will share in this book.
I can think of many beautiful moments in life, like various amazing things I experienced together with my wife, during my travels or the moments where my life was saved when I was close to knocking on heaven’s door. Yet my heart fills with a deep gratitude and tons of pride when I think back to the day when I climbed a mountain with my son. He struggled with addictions for a long, long time. It was hard for him to get to the top of that mountain because, and it’s putting it mildly, he was not in the best mental and physical condition. His body close to being ruined by alcohol and drugs, his spirit numbed.
For years I tried to convince him to give up his addictions. Sometimes kindly, often not so. Driven by my own fears and so called ‘brilliant ideas’ about how to solve this problem. I was convinced I knew best. But I totally missed the point. I coached many, many people where I fully trusted them and was fully convinced they were the specialists of their life. That they could change their path by making different choices. But with my own son, I couldn’t. I tried everything, except fully trusting him.
That day something shifted. There was no blame, nor advice.
On top of that mountain, I saw him looking into the far distance, impressed by the 360 view. It was as if he could see into the future. Future: something he hadn’t been able to see for so long.
We talked. We laughed. We cried. We were together. Though not his coach (!), I could finally self-manage my solutions and instead, ‘just’ be with him. Be curious. Allowing him to process thoughts and feelings in his own way, allowing him to connect the dots.
It was a beautiful day because I got clean from being a problem solver. It was a beautiful day because he decided to go to rehab and look the monsters of his addictions in the eyes. He has been clean and sober ever since. He is stronger than I am because I sometimes fall back into the old habit of trying to fix other’s problems.
It was the most beautiful day in my life because I got my son back. It was the most beautiful day in my life because he claimed his life back.
Though I am not responsible for the choices he made leading to addiction, I am responsible for how I held him in all of this.
And it was only when I understood and accepted that I couldn’t save him, that he has the right to make his own choices and that he is responsible for the consequences of his choices, that I could see him for the man he actually is. Not the addict, but the man. The man I love so dearly because he is my son, which made it so unbelievably hard for me not to try and ‘rescue’ him. He could have jumped from the mountain that day, but instead he jumped into life. Through his own self-empowered choice.
Here I am, with tears in my eyes again whilst writing this. But the old tears have been washed away and replaced with tears of joy, gratitude and pride.
I sometimes still find it challenging not to ‘go for the rescue’ with the people close to me. As a coach, I can generally self-manage that. As a partner, as a father, as a friend, as a son and in other private roles one has, I sometimes ‘fall off the wagon’. When they ask for help, or when I ask if they need some help, that’s different. Yet all my unsolicited advice, in essence holds the message that I don’t fully trust them.
So sometimes I climb a mountain, or find another place in nature, where I take a moment to reflect on how I could love these people even more by seeing them as deeply creative and resourceful, without me having to fix them.
Yes, back to this cornerstone in the Co-Active Model that tells us that People are Naturally, Creative, Resourceful and Whole. This part of the model jumps out for me, together with the Context of Curiosity, because they hold so many lessons for me. I am so grateful for these lessons and I bow deeply to Karen and Henry Kimsey-House, Phillip Sandahl and Laura Whitworth for co-writing the Co-Active book and sharing their knowledge with us. What they have created has impacted countless lives, including mine, and made the world a better place.
I am convinced that, on the beautiful day up there on that mountain, the ripple effect of the Co-Active Model saved my son’s life and it made mine so much richer.
****
For more information on Alex, please visit https://alexverlek.nl/. You can order his book at: